Worry Wart...

So...my grandmother has Alzheimer's.  It's is what it is...that's life.  She is 87 and it's no big deal, right?  Except it is.  This is not new news.  But if you've ever been any part of this disease, you know that every day is, in fact, new.  You just never know what to expect.

Now I don't mind the retelling of story after story ("did you know a red headed woodpecker comes to my bird feeder every night at 6 o'clock??"  "no, I didn't know that grandma, that must be pretty neat.").  I don't mind that she doesn't remember that she has a wicked (newly acquired) sweet tooth.  I don't mind that she thinks it's been years since she's had fresh strawberries (even though there is a 1/2 eaten quart in her fridge.)  No, these things don't phase me at all.  In fact, these things make me smile...they even make me laugh.  After all, she still knows who I am and often refers to me by name.   This will not last and I, along with my family, are painfully aware that the day will come that she will not...and so I treasure each day that I'm still a part of her memory.   I'm so pleased that I got to spend so much "quality" time with her this summer and so honored that I was trusted to help take care of her.

The thing that's been on my mind isn't so much my grandmother (although she is never far from my thoughts) but my future.  See, Alzheimer's is genetic.  This brings about some questions and concerns.  First, there is a genetic marker that I can be tested for to see if I am at a higher than normal risk for this disease.  Would I want this test?  Would I want my mom to have it?  After much thought, I think my answer to both questions is no.  I had an ulcer at 16...I'm a worrier.  God knows I don't need to start worrying now about something that may or may not happen in many years.  Second, what will my role be with Alzheimer's in the future?  Will I be like my Aunt who has done everything humanly possible to care for my grandmother...and some stuff that was inhumanly possible.  Will that be my role? Caring for my mom as her mind slowly fades?  Will I have to make signs to remind her of the simplest things around her house?  Will I have to repeat things over and over b/c she is just unable to remember what I just said? Will I spend countless hours worrying myself sick whether today is the day that I will walk into her home and she won't recognize me?  Will I have to fight with myself over how long she can live on her own and when she will need even more than the extraordinary care I already offer her?  Will my brothers and sister be involved in these decisions?  Will we hold each other up or will we fight and argue over mom's care? Ok, maybe mom is spared and none of these things are an issue, God willing.  My next concern is do I get it?  Do I get diagnosed with Alzheimer's?  Cause I don't want it, thank you very much.  I worry that my children will need to take care of me.  (Will they even want to??)  I don't want to burden them.  I don't want to frighten them with the facts of what the future holds for the caretaker of an Alzheimer's 'patient'.  (God knows I'm already scared enough for all of us).  Will I go through this alone?  Will I have a love that will want to brave this battle by my side?  Will I struggle for long or will I be diagnosed later in life?? I know me and I know I will fret over not knowing my beautiful sons one day...for I feel that no longer recognizing those you love most is by far the worst of it all.  Ugh, now you can see how I got that ulcer!!

What to do? What to do??  It's not easy to absorb all of that is going on, all of the possibilities of what can happen in the future and all the questions that come with it.  I'm trying to remember that worrying about what may or may not happen only serves to take my attention away from now...from today...from all that is great in my life in this day.  I'm trying to remind myself to live in the moment.  I'm trying to show those around me that I love them every single day, in my words and my deeds.  I'm trying to remember to breathe.